New Year's Resolutions--Blah

Well, I honestly have never made a New Year's resolution. Seriously, I can't think of a time I ever have. But this year it's going to be the stereotypical "I want to lose weight". This year, I'm actually going to have to make an effort, which means eating right (blah) and cutting back on the alcohol (blah). It's actually going to be a sacrafice.

Right now I'm trying to create a low fat menu for myself and Brian to follow in the coming weeks and while I'm doing this I am drinking a glass of wine, because come January 1st there will be no more wine or beer for me. This is very sad, but if I want to lose weight I'm going to have to eliminate some calories. I'm also going to work out, but working out has never been a problem for me. I actually enjoy working out and I have the convenience of a gym at my work so I can go at lunch. There's really no excuse for not working out. Which, when I don't, makes me feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. And Brian has promised to do everything with me because he would like to lose some weight as well.

I told him my goal was to lose 15-17 pounds by February 1st. He told me that it would be almost impossible for me to lose that much in that little of time period, unless I starved myself. I said whatever. I want to lose that much weight by then and I just don't see why I can't. He thinks 10 pounds is more realistic. That's what he's going to try and lose. I'm going to try and lose 15-17 pounds. I won't be terribly disappointed if I don't. Besides, I probably only need to lose about 10 pounds in order to fit into my jeans again. Um, I'm rambling from the glass of wine. Sorry.

My dad called and left a message. He wants to come visit the kids this evening. I have to call him back because, whoops, I let the kids go spend the night at their grandma's (on their dad's side) and they aren't available. I'm not in the mood for company this evening anyway. I'm delaying the phone call back. I tend to cancel plans with me dad pretty frequently. At least as frequently as he calls to make plans, which really isn't all that frequent. Whatever.

I just have to say that I just looked over at my sleeping baby and I don't care what anyone says. She is the damn cutest baby ever. Seriously, she is so freaking cute I want to kiss her cheeks all the time. I promise I will post pictures so that you can all agree with me. :) I have actually loaded all the pictures on my computer, I just need to post them. I'm lazy. Hmm, maybe that can be a resolution, not to be so damn lazy. No, I'm good. I can be a little lazy.

Brian has decided not to be lazy any longer. He actually wrote something on his blog, which is linked in my side bar under The Exploding Cigar. I would link it right now, but I'm too lazy, as stated above. Anyway, I'm not in total agreement of the post, mainly because I don't believe a face full of teeth constitutes as cute, but he could have been talking of other features. What? I can't answer. You should read it because he probably won't write again for another eight months.

Everyone have a fun, fun New Year's Eve and if your drinking have a drink for me. I will have one for you. Probably. If I can stay awake that long. Usual bedtime is something like 9 or 10, but whatever. I'll try.

There Is Nothing Better Than...

Make up sex-twice. That's all for now.

Back to Work I Ago

I'm ready to go back to work, I'm not ready to go back to work. This thought constantly ping pongs back and forth in my mind. Especially now that the inevitable is quickly approaching. Only 5 days left.

I wonder if I'll miss her too much. She's so little and she's just beginning to acknowledge who I am. Soon, she'll be expressing herself in so many new ways besides crying. Am I going to miss all those expressions? Will I miss all of her firsts? I was the one who saw her smile first. Will grandma be the one who sees her roll over first? Or crawl? It seems so unfair.

On the flip side I can't be home any longer. It's taking a major toll on my nerves. I'm beginning to feel like the walls are closing in. I'm developing cabin fever. Especially since the weather is so horrible. I can't even take Jillian on a walk. I can shop, but I think I'll wear out the credit cards if I do that. I want to be able to work out and have lunch with adults.

It's hard to imagine a life away from home and even harder to imagine a life without work. Without adult interaction. Without my sanity. I wish there was a middle ground, but it's either one or the other, and while my job isn't the most satisfying job, it helps me to maintain some kind of a life. I'm so much more organized when I'm working. Staying at home makes me lazy. It's 10:30 and I'm still in my jammies. I haven't even showered or brushed my teeth. I feel gross. There were a million and one things on my list to accomplish in the last six weeks. I don't think I did one of them. When I get back to work, I'll probably get them all done in a week. It's sounds like work is winning over staying home. Still a part time gig would be perfect, but I want my full time pay. It looks like back to work I go. On Tuesday. Did I mention that's only 5 days away. It's freaking soon!

Uncomfortable Silence

Silence. Except for Oprah who is interviewing Faith Hill.

Silence. Except for the sound of meatballs cooking and pasta boiling and the occasional child's voice or scream.

Silence. Except for sounds of slurping spaghetti and the gulps of water. Gross.

Silence. Except for the the kids constant chatter. Chatter, chatter, chatter. I think it might drive me insane.

Finally, silence. Except for the TV. Which is fine.

I go upstairs. Silence. Except for the buzz of the computer. Of course, the computer. I should have known.

Downstairs again. Silence. Except the baby is fussing and sometimes it's hard to get her to go to sleep. I don't mind. I don't want to go to bed yet. All the silence hurts my head and possibly my heart, just a little.

She's asleep. I go to bed. There isn't silence in my dreams. I can sleep peacefully. Until morning...

All Over

Christmas is over. I'm not disappointed like I am some years. You know, that let down that the holidays are over. I'm enjoying these last couple of days after Christmas. We took down our tree and our Christmas decorations and now the front room is clean again. It's nice to have the room back to normal.

This year we tried not to over do it with the Christmas presents to the kids. They each received a few presents from Santa and a few gifts from us. Unfortunately we couldn't control what the grandparents and aunts and uncles gave them. We still have too many toys. We did a major overhaul on the rooms. The entire army of GI Joe's has been discharged, the He-Man figures have been retired and a whole clique of Barbies all graduated to the garage. I can not believe how many toys they already had until we went through them again. It's amazing.

The big presents this year were a Millenium Falcon for Riley, a My Scene Barbie Limo (which she calls the Suburban because it is that big), and a Game Boy for Jordan. They are very happy little kids. I bought Brian a pair of sunglasses that he's wanted forever but could never justify the cost of paying that much for sunglasses and other odds and ends. He bought me a Holiday Barbie and the Peppermint Barbie, as well as several CD's and the Dukes of Hazard movie. I have not seen it yet and I can't wait. We were suppose to go for my birthday but never got around to going. Jillian also received a few items, but she wasn't so excited this Christmas. Maybe next year.

All in all we had a great day and I can't wait until next year.

Warning: This Is Long And Sappy

I’ve been spending a lot of time blogging. I’m not sure why, but I’ve been pretty obsessed with it. I hit next blog and read for an hour or so. It’s pretty excessive, I just like to. I guess it’s sort of like watching soap operas.

The side bar has the list of blogs I read daily. I love those blogs. I put them there because for some reason, when I hit next blog, the post I read happened to strike a chord. Maybe someone happened to be writing about something I’m familiar with or maybe they made me laugh or intrigued me in some way. It’s so weird to me that I have some sort of connection to these people. Maybe it’s not a very deep connection but I’m actually interacting with some people on a daily basis albeit it’s through comments, which is sometimes one sided, but it’s still as if I know everyone who comes to read my blog.

I find this fascinating. I log onto the computer and I’m wondering what Cat or Lass might be doing today. I wonder what Queen is going to rant about in her usual witty way. I wonder if anyone has left me a comment and I am usually pleasantly surprised someone has. I think it’s almost therapeutic in a way. When I’m having a bad day I check my email and someone has left me a friendly comment whether it’s a paragraph long or two words just to let me know they’ve been there and read what I had to say. Even the most mundane and banal posts get comments.

Of course, I don’t know anyone all that well. I only get tiny little glimpses of your lives in the form of a few written paragraphs, but what I do know I like and admire and most of the time I can relate to you. And I know you all don’t write about everything because even I don’t write about everything. I wish I was more candid, but I’m afraid of rejection, I suppose. I notice that I censor myself a lot more now than I did when I first began this blog. I think I have a fear of offending someone with something and them not coming back to read my stuff. I know, how stupid. But seriously, I almost didn’t post about hating people who drive and talk on their cell phones because most everyone does it. I didn’t want anyone to get mad. I’ll admit I’m a tad insecure.

I also don’t write about my boobs as much anymore. I still want a boob job, but you hotties with large breasts disapprove of this desire. I try not to bore you with my wants because it makes me seem shallow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely shallow. I’ll admit it. I like pretty things. Necklaces from Tiffany’s, a nice set of boobs, clothes that are too expensive for me to buy, a gorgeous boyfriend. I love all of these things.

I don’t write about times when Brian and I aren’t getting along, because I want everyone to believe I live this perfect life. Which I don’t because no one does and I think both Brian and I are high maintenance, which can make life difficult at times, but for some reason we always get through that. I don’t ever want to write something that makes it seem contrary to that. And yet there are times we have been in horrible fights. So horrible that I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to recover. Fights that I wish could be erased from our lives, but they can’t and there’s no way to take things back. And I honestly believe my world would fall apart if we weren’t together. I hate to admit that I need him that much, but I do.

One time I was going to write about that three letter phrase, the scary one that can make people either run for their lives or make them the happiest person in the world. You know what I’m talking about—I love you. These words aren’t said a lot in our house, between the two of us. But, for some reason, with him, I don’t need to hear him say these words to me, because I know he loves me. I feel he loves me. When he does say it, my heart melts and I smile and I know with all my being he means it, because it’s not thrown around ten times a day. It’s not even thrown around ten times a year and this doesn’t upset me. I never think “I wish he would tell me he loves me”. I have been in relationships where I thought I needed the other person to constantly tell me they love me, because it made me feel better. I’ve also been in relationships where if I heard the phrase one more time I might puke. Brian tells me the perfect number of times and it’s always special. I don’t think that I tell him as much as I should; I just assume he feels the same way about it. Maybe I shouldn’t assume that. Maybe he does need to hear it. I do love him more than I have ever loved anyone. In fact, I am madly in love with him. I don’t know that I have ever truly been in love before. I have never looked at someone like I do him. I hardly ever see his flaws I just see his perfections. I don’t even know if that’s healthy.

Alright, this post is so long most of you probably didn’t even finish it. That’s alright; this is my grand finale post. For the year that is. This is as candid as it’s going to get for probably quite awhile. I’m just in that sort of mood. If I don’t get a chance to write much in the next couple of days I hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas.

Yesterday

Yesterday started out as a pretty bad day.

Yesterday took a 180 degree turn at about 3:30.

Yesterday Brian had flowers delivered to me.

Yesterday Brian took me completely by surprise. I would never imagine he would send flowers just because.

Yesterday Brian was unimpressed with the bouquet. He thought it was going to be larger than it was.

Yesterday I was completely impressed with the bouquet.

Yesterday he said he wanted it to bring a tear to my eye when I received it.

Yesterday it did.

Today I am a very happy person.

Another Day

Today I wish I still smoked because I would have a cigarette.

Today I'm tempted to stay online all day so that my phone won't ring.

Today I want to lay on the couch and watch TV while my baby sleeps on my chest and do nothing else.

Today I thought I might have a beer for lunch, but I probably won't because I had 5 last night.

Today I don't regret having those five beers.

Today I am annoyed because it snowed and I won't be able to take the baby on walk. The stroller wasn't made for snow.

Today I feel fat, possibly from the 5 beers.

Today I woke up too early, I didn't get enough sleep last night, and I have a headache.

Today I feel like bitching. And I did. This morning. I don't feel like I bitched enough, but I've run out of things to say.

Today I'm pissed that I get so much junk email.

Today I visited Post Secret and one of the secrets was "Just because I try not to talk about it...does not mean I'm over it, that I feel better, or that I'm ever going to be okay." That's one of my secrets.

Today is a day I feel like crying, but I don't have any tears.

Today is the first time in a very long time that I really crave that cigarette.

Today I need baby formula and diapers.

Today I absolutely do not want to drive in the snow. I hope I last the day without running out of those things.

Today the dog is afraid of me and rightly so.

Today a 'boise girl wants sex'. At least that's what someone searched on Yahoo and came to my blog. Weird.

Today feels like it could be a bad day.

Parental Guilt

I have all these things that make me feel guilty as a mom. I think most moms feel guitly about their parenting. I just felt like writing it down, because for the most part, I believe I'm a good mom. I don't ever feel like I have to validate that fact, but I've been thinking about such things lately.

-I wake up earlier than normal to fix them a bowl of cereal (guilt).
-I pack them a lunch every day, except of course those days when I'm too lazy or I run out of time(guilt).
-I drop them off at school and give them hugs and kisses, except those times when I'm in a really bad mood and I forget (guilt).
-I call them at daycare to tell them I'm sorry I was in such a bad mood and I hope they have a wonderful day at school (guilt erased).
-I pick them up from daycare way too late (guilt).
-I drive them home and get them started on thier homework while I make dinner. We eat dinner and immediately afterwards they take a shower while I check their homework. We read a story before they go to bed at 8:00 because they have to wake up very, very early (guilt).
-We do the routine all over again until Saturday (guilt).
-They have to be at school and daycare for about 10 hours a day (guilt).
-Sometimes I get mad and annoyed and I yell and sometimes I even say the most awful things to them (guilt).
-I try to make up for it by doing something fun (guilt somewhat erased).
-Sometimes, I forget their lunch or I forget the teddy bear on teddy bear day at school (guilt).
-I am more than willing to be late for work so that I can drive back home and get the lunch or the teddy bear (guilt erased).
-After the week is over and Sunday rolls around they go back to their dad's and I'm ready for them to leave (guilt).
-After my week without them is over I can't wait to see them again and I usually pick them up early (guilt erased).
-During my week, the kids stay with me when they aren't at school and I'm not at work. I rarely get a baby sitter for them, because I think that spending time with them is more important. More important than whatever else might be going on.

Those are just some of the ups and downs I go through as a mom, as I'm sure most moms go through. I don't think it's bad that we make mistakes, I think it's bad when we're indifferent to those mistakes. I think it would take a pretty horrible person to not feel guilty about the mistakes. It would take a pretty horrible person to not feel guilty about pawning off their child on family or friends or the other parent every chance they got. It would take a pretty horrible person not to feel guilty for putting their schedule before their child. It would take a pretty horrible person to not feel guilty for leaving their child 2-3 nights a week when you only have them 3-4 nights out of the week. I'm just glad I'm not that horrible person and that my kids don't have to live that kind of life. The kind of life when they're only important on special occasions and holidays.

Holiday Celebrations (Or Christmas Celebrations, Which Ever You Prefer)

Last night I went to my department's holiday party. Actually, it was my group's holiday party, not the department. I must specify because Brian was a little irked he wasn't invited. It was for our group, not the entire department. :)

Now that we have that out of the way... It wasn't anything fancy. We all met downtown at a Mexican restaraunt for appetizers and drinks. I had two beers and a margarita which proved to be just the right amount of alcohol considering I had to drive home later that evening. It was nice to get out and see my work friends again. I miss them. Not that it's the first time I've seen them since my maternity leave. I have been to work several times since I've had the baby. But, only because Brian is there, not because I'm obsessed with work. I'm so not obsessed with work. I do, however, enjoy the people I work with and I miss seeing them.

We had a white elephant gift exchange. I brought a Cosmopolitan drink mix package because it was cute and Cosmos are yummy. When the gift was opened no one knew what it was. They kept referring to it as "exotic oils" because of the packaging. "It's not exotic oils", I kept telling them over and over again. "It looks like it's some sort of drink mix." Sheesh! Anyway, I stole my gift back so that no one would be confused as to what to do with it. I know what to do with it. I'm going to be making myself some yummy drinks.

Afterwards I stayed another half hour or so talking with my favorite work people. I just love them. They told me how much I was missed and that I need to hurry back. I think I'm ready to go back to work. I'm telling you, this staying home business is pretty darn lonely at times. I really need to have adult interaction. I might go crazy.

Do you ever watch those nanny shows? I watched one the other night. It was about a stay at home mom with six kids and her husband was never home. Ever!! He kept taking on different projects for the sole purpose of avoiding the house. It was absolutely ridiculous. I told Brian if I was that woman I would wake up one morning and tell that man to have fun with those kids and I would leave. He mentioned that I had done exactly that (when I was with the ex). Oh yeah, I forgot about that. See, I would not put up with that crap for very long.

'I Hate My Boyfriend'

Someone searched this on Yahoo and found my blog. How sad. Why do they hate their boyfriend? If you come back and you searched 'I Hate My Boyfriend' you have to tell me why you hate your boyfriend. And if you hate him, why don't you just break up with him? Then you could hate your ex-boyfriend. Isn't that more practical?

Red Wine and One More Night

I have one more night by myself and Brian will return. I really do miss him, but today was really busy. I inadvertently had a girls' night. Riley got sick at school and when they tried to call me I wasn't home, so they called his dad. His dad had his grandma pick him up and take him to the doctor and then I decided he could stay the night at his dad's house tonight. My mom happened to be watching my precious little baby today while I ran some errands and we decided to go to dinner with Darby.

After dinner we came home and I made cupcakes for Darby's bake sale tomorrow. Darby just cracks me up. I found out yesterday that she has a bake sale tomorrow and Thursday at school. I asked her what the heck I should make. She told me that I should make chocolate cupcakes with white icing, M&M's on top (she specified 5), and sprinkles. I asked her when she has had those kind of cupcakes (because I have never in my life made chocolate cupcakes with white frosting). She told me never, they just sound good. Well, I made 24 cupcakes and frosted them white. She sprinkled the cupcakes and I let her put 3 M&M's on top of each. I thought 5 was kind of excessive.

After that I thought it would be fun to walk around the neighborhood and look at all the lights. I actually thought after a few houses she would be too bored and tired to continue and want to come home. I was wrong. She wanted to go around the entire neighborhood. We were practically frozen by the time we arrived back to our house. We had a good time. Darby and I don't get a chance to do very many things alone (being with the baby doesn't really count as another person-yet).

Anyway, it was a good day, but I am so ready for Brian to come home tomorrow. Is it obvious I've had a few glasses of wine? Hope not. :)

Well, Brian has officially left town. Is it obvious? Two posts in one day is pretty uncommon for me. However, even though I was feeling a bit down about him going away he left work early and came home to have lunch with me before he went to the airport. This is significant because he works in Boise and the airport is in Boise, we however, live in Nampa. It was completely out of his way. I was very much surprised. I'm glad he did that, especially because it reminds me of how sweet he is. Of course, that makes me miss him more, but I like missing him sometimes.

It's probably good for relationships to have a break every once in awhile. (Um, not the Ross and Rachel "break".) Isn't it? We never take a break from one another, at least not extensive breaks, and I rather like it that way, but I know that when we do spend a night apart I can't keep my hands off him when we see each other again. The down side is a miss him so much I think I might go crazy if he doesn't hurry back. Alright, not really. I do miss him immensely, but I swear I can live without him, just not for very long.

So, I was watching Oprah this afternoon, because that's what I've been doing these days and this woman was on who had her face blown off by her now (obviously) ex boyfriend. It was the absolute, number one, most horrible thing I have ever heard of in my life. It was horrific what happened to her. I just could never imagine myself in such a relationship. One where I was scared for my life. It's inconceivable to me. I often wonder how women end up in these relationships. I actually had a friend in highschool who was always in a bad relationship. These relationships resulted in her being mentally abused time and time again, but never physically. I always thought she was such an idiot for letting stupid boys talk to her in such a way. What the hell? I would often try and stick up for her to these boys, but that usually resulted in them saying awful things to me as well, why she just sat in the sidelines, watching.

But I think that's different than being physically abused. It's one thing to have a man speak to you with disrespect and something completely different to have him hit you every time you did something he didn't like. I'm trying to imagine the scenario and yet it's still impossible for me. Only because I have never been in an abusive relationship and as far as I'm aware I don't know anyone who is in one, at least no one close to me. It is very likely an acquaintance could be and I not even know.

I only worry about this because the whole time I was watching the show I was hoping with every part of my being that neither of my girls ever has her face blown off, especially by an enraged boyfriend or spouse.

Well, that was a little more intense than I was going for, but that's what was typed out and so it shall stay.

Stuff In My Head

-My tree is up and decorated, except for the tree topper. I'm getting a new one. At the moment I have a silver star, but I want a Santa or an Angel to top the tree this year. It's the best tree yet. The first year we had a purple tree, last year we had a blue and purple tree, this year we have a red tree and it turned out fantastic. It's the best tree we've had. I like the red. Maybe I'll do red for a couple of years. Or not.

-Last year I did tons of after Christmas shopping. I can not believe all the things I bought. I was thinking we were going to have to buy all sorts of things for Christmas this year. Thanks to my planning ahead, we have just about everything we need.

-Can you believe Christmas is only 2 weeks away?! Ugh!!!

-Brian hasn't done any Christmas shopping for me. Or so he says. He says he can't do anything without my list. I usually make all my lists weeks and weeks in advance. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I can't believe I don't have my list. I don't even want anything. I think that has to do with this emotional situation I'm dealing with. I might be a little depressed. For example, I went shopping the other day, and you know how I love to shop, I bought an outfit, drove home, got out of the car and started crying. I don't care what size you are, but it's hard to have to buy something two sizes larger than anything in your closet. I didn't even finish shopping.

-I was over the breakdown the next day. I took Jordan and Jillian Christmas shopping with me and we spent a lot of hours at the mall and even more money. It was quite a relief.

-Maybe I'll start making my Christmas list today.

-Brian and I went to a party for his division at work on Friday. It was a lot of fun, mainly because of the open bar and delicious food. Since he's so new he only knows a few people and since I don't work in the same division as him I don't know hardly anyone. We sort of kept to ourselves. However, at the moment we are quite the popular couple because we just had a baby. It's kind of nice that we have something to talk about, an ice breaker if you will. And the alcohol helps.

-As most of you know Brian and I aren't married. When we arrived at the party we strolled up to the desk with the name tags and much to my surprise my name tag said "Jolynn Thompson". It was odd and unnatural. I think the name tag thought so as well because it kept falling off the entire night. I couldn't keep that thing stuck to me to save my life. I found it sort of humorous though, I mean I've worked at this place for 3.5 years and they don't know my last name. How sad!

-On a more positive note, when we're introduced as a couple, there have been several comments on what a nice couple we are and how great we are together. Sure, they are referring to us looking good together because for all they know we could hate each other (which we don't), but it's nice to know you look good with someone. I have never had anyone tell me those things in past.

-This not sleeping at night has taken it's toll on my nerves. I wish it hasn't but I don't think I can do anything about it until I get a full night's sleep.

-Brian is leaving on his business trip today and won't be back until Wednesday. You remember I mentioned this trip before because it made me cry (what doesn't). Anyway, a few days ago he told me he wished he wasn't going because it seemed like more trouble than it was worth and plus he would miss me. I think he felt bad for making me upset. That's okay though because now I feel better.

Holiday Spirit

I think I'm finally getting my holiday high. That feeling you get about the holidays that makes you excited to spend time with your family, wrap an insane amount of presents and decorate the house. Oh and of course there's the shopping. However, Brian and I always disagree about the shopping. He seems to think that shopping is going out and finding what you need, buy it, and go home. How boring is that? Shopping is going to the mall and stopping at all your favorite shops to make sure you aren't missing out on any extraordinary deals and then going out to eat. Sure, you might end up spending more money than you thought you would, but it's worth it. Isn't it?

This is going to be mine and Brian's third Christmas together. I'm thinking it will probably be the best. Our first Christmas together was probably the worse Christmas in the history of bad Christmases (how the hell do you spell that?). Anyway, our first Christmas together we were still trying to adjust to living together with three kids and a dog that Brian hated. There was too much drinking, a fallen Christmas tree with broken ornaments, and a concussion, but I don't even want to get into that.

Our second Christmas together was much, much better. We actually didn't have any kids that Christmas, because they were with their other parents so Brian and I had our own Christmas. There was still too much drinking, but instead of the broken ornaments, there was fun sex and presents were opened early. On Christmas day we made prime rib, that actually turned out delicous even though I had never attempted to make prime rib before and I received a lot of presents. In fact, last year Brian bought me everything I asked for and more. That was also the year he tried to convince me that the only present he got me was a vacuum cleaner, which I told him repeatedly throughout the month of December that I would be super pissed if he bought me a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I told him I would return the stupid vacuum and then buy my own Christmas presents. Apparently he took this threat as a challenge and bought me the vacuum. He wrapped it up and put it under the tree. In fact it was the only gift under the tree that was for me. Iwas so mad when I opened that damn vacuum cleaner. I didn't even try to act happy about it. After he was satisfied with my reaction to that stupid vacuum he went to the garage and brought in my real gifts. It was just a good Christmas.

This Christmas has a lot to live up to, however, this year we have all the kids, a new baby girl who is so, so sweet and a dog we both love. I think this Christmas will be fabulous. Now we just need to put our tree up and get the presents down stairs and I'll feel more in the spirit. I might even make cookies. Stranger things have happened.

Emotional Wreck

I hate hormones. I mean, usually, when I haven't just had a baby my hormones are pretty crazy. I can be super moody and bitchy, but now I have this teary eye thing that keeps coming up. I am so not a crier. I rarely cry-ever. Now I feel like crying all the time. Anything can make my eyes tear up and it takes every part of my being not to break down sobbing. And not only that, but everything I feel seems to be in conflict with one another.

For instance, the other day I thought I was going to have a break down from staying home. I didn't want to stay home anymore. I just didn't think it was fair that I had to be home all day with no one to talk to except a baby who doesn't really even acknowledge me except when she's hungry. Why do I have to do this for weeks and weeks and weeks? It doesn't seem fair. Then, just yesterday I almost I had a panic attack from the thought of going back to work and leaving Jillian for nine hours a day. What the hell am I going to do? How am I going to make it through the whole day without knowing exactly what she's doing? We're hoping Brian's mom is going to watch her, which will ease my mind, but what if that doesn't pan out? I can't have her go to daycare. I can't. They are horrible, awful places for little babies to spend their days and I'll quit if that's my only option. Alright, quitting my job to stay home actually isn't an option either, but I don't care. I will quit.

This isn't the only thing that has my emotions running out of control. Just about anything these days is setting me off. I almost cried when Brian made a comment about how I made the coffee and he wouldn't drink it. I was able to hold back then, but when I have to hold back tears it makes me freak out and I want to kill someone. Basically, he's lucky he's still alive. He also got mad about my car payments and was yelling about what a piece of shit my car is. This made me cry, I wasn't able to hold it in, I tried and tried but out came the tears. Brian has a tendency to take little problems and blow them completely out of proportion. Luckily, he has several other endearing qualities, one of them being he is so damn good looking, that I look past this overreacting he tends to do. Usually I tell him not to make a big deal out of it, there's nothing you can do so there isn't any reason to stress. Now, I can't even speak when he gets upset because I'm afraid of turning into some blubbering fool.

Other ways that my emotions have taken over:

-Riley is having some kind of issues, with his dad I believe, that have turned him into a little prissy girl. This has made my week especially difficult. I haven't wanted to cry but I have yelled and bitched at everyone in sight when dealing with this problem. I don't remember the last time I yelled at Riley's dad, but this week he's got his fair share of my wrath. I don't even care. What I do care about is how mean I have been to Riley, but this little problem of his had made me so insanely upset that there are times I haven't wanted to look at him. I hate his dad.

-Brian told me he was going on a two day business trip next week, and he seemed overly excited about it, at least to this emotional wreck his eagerness to go was a little too eager. As if he couldn't wait to leave me and the baby all by ourselves. This sparked both the bitchiness and the teary eyes. He told me he was excited to go because one, he was glad they asked him to make the trip and do this training, and two, it would be something different. I think this is what also made me freak out about staying home.

-I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but the sight of my body makes me want to go back to bed and just let a deep depression take over me. It just seems so unfair that for the past two years I have diligently worked out (with a few breaks here and there) so that my body is somewhat fit and slender only to have it ruined in nine months. I want my old body back now. I know I complain too much about this, but I just want to look in the mirror and see that my arms have some hint of muscle and my tummy semi flat. I don't even care about it being toned at this point, I just want this roll of tummy fat to disappear. Last time I had a baby I was able to fit into my jeans by now. To fit into those jeans hanging in my closet I will probably need to lose at least 5 more pounds, if not 10. It makes me sad.

-This week we have 4 kids in the house all at the same time. Need I say more?

-And the one that I'm especially ashamed of-sometimes I look at the baby and think she is so pretty and perfect that, you guessed it, I might cry.

Now, I know that some women feel these emotions all the time, but they are completely foreign to me, well except for the bitchiness and even that's at a whole new level. I am usually very good at keeping the crying impulse in check. I don't even like to cry. It rarely makes me feel better. Also, I grew up in a house where crying was unacceptable and is probably one of the many reasons I am screwed up and another thing to add to my list of why my parents shouldn't have had kids. But that's a completely new post altogether, though it might be an interesting one. Maybe not.

It Snowed!!!

It snowed, several inches. In fact, according to some guy on the news, it has snowed more in the last nine hours then it did all of last winter. It looks awesome outside. Of course, it's started raining meaning by tonight everything will turn to slush and look dirty and gross, but right now everything looks perfect.

I believe this is the first time our dog Chloe has played in the snow. She was a little unsure as to whether she wanted to go out this morning, but quickly got over her fear of the cold, wet snow. I let her out a little later and she peed on the porch, which was disturbing, but then she started to frolic and it was so cute. She was running and jumping through the snow trying to get her dog friend on the other side of the fence to come over and see her. (She is usually unsuccessful at this because I don't think the other dog likes Chloe very much.) Chloe saw me standing at the door watching her play and she charged at me with full force. When she was almost to the door she tried to stop and slid right into the glass. Poor baby. And now, with all her playing in the snow activity, her knee, that was hurt this summer, seems to be hurt again. She's been limping around on it sense I let her in the last time. No more snow for Chloe! We are all just going to have to enjoy it from inside. Well, Chloe and I will. The baby seems to be pretty indifferent to the snow. Maybe next year she'll show some enthusiasm.