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Friday, December 02, 2005

Emotional Wreck

I hate hormones. I mean, usually, when I haven't just had a baby my hormones are pretty crazy. I can be super moody and bitchy, but now I have this teary eye thing that keeps coming up. I am so not a crier. I rarely cry-ever. Now I feel like crying all the time. Anything can make my eyes tear up and it takes every part of my being not to break down sobbing. And not only that, but everything I feel seems to be in conflict with one another.

For instance, the other day I thought I was going to have a break down from staying home. I didn't want to stay home anymore. I just didn't think it was fair that I had to be home all day with no one to talk to except a baby who doesn't really even acknowledge me except when she's hungry. Why do I have to do this for weeks and weeks and weeks? It doesn't seem fair. Then, just yesterday I almost I had a panic attack from the thought of going back to work and leaving Jillian for nine hours a day. What the hell am I going to do? How am I going to make it through the whole day without knowing exactly what she's doing? We're hoping Brian's mom is going to watch her, which will ease my mind, but what if that doesn't pan out? I can't have her go to daycare. I can't. They are horrible, awful places for little babies to spend their days and I'll quit if that's my only option. Alright, quitting my job to stay home actually isn't an option either, but I don't care. I will quit.

This isn't the only thing that has my emotions running out of control. Just about anything these days is setting me off. I almost cried when Brian made a comment about how I made the coffee and he wouldn't drink it. I was able to hold back then, but when I have to hold back tears it makes me freak out and I want to kill someone. Basically, he's lucky he's still alive. He also got mad about my car payments and was yelling about what a piece of shit my car is. This made me cry, I wasn't able to hold it in, I tried and tried but out came the tears. Brian has a tendency to take little problems and blow them completely out of proportion. Luckily, he has several other endearing qualities, one of them being he is so damn good looking, that I look past this overreacting he tends to do. Usually I tell him not to make a big deal out of it, there's nothing you can do so there isn't any reason to stress. Now, I can't even speak when he gets upset because I'm afraid of turning into some blubbering fool.

Other ways that my emotions have taken over:

-Riley is having some kind of issues, with his dad I believe, that have turned him into a little prissy girl. This has made my week especially difficult. I haven't wanted to cry but I have yelled and bitched at everyone in sight when dealing with this problem. I don't remember the last time I yelled at Riley's dad, but this week he's got his fair share of my wrath. I don't even care. What I do care about is how mean I have been to Riley, but this little problem of his had made me so insanely upset that there are times I haven't wanted to look at him. I hate his dad.

-Brian told me he was going on a two day business trip next week, and he seemed overly excited about it, at least to this emotional wreck his eagerness to go was a little too eager. As if he couldn't wait to leave me and the baby all by ourselves. This sparked both the bitchiness and the teary eyes. He told me he was excited to go because one, he was glad they asked him to make the trip and do this training, and two, it would be something different. I think this is what also made me freak out about staying home.

-I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but the sight of my body makes me want to go back to bed and just let a deep depression take over me. It just seems so unfair that for the past two years I have diligently worked out (with a few breaks here and there) so that my body is somewhat fit and slender only to have it ruined in nine months. I want my old body back now. I know I complain too much about this, but I just want to look in the mirror and see that my arms have some hint of muscle and my tummy semi flat. I don't even care about it being toned at this point, I just want this roll of tummy fat to disappear. Last time I had a baby I was able to fit into my jeans by now. To fit into those jeans hanging in my closet I will probably need to lose at least 5 more pounds, if not 10. It makes me sad.

-This week we have 4 kids in the house all at the same time. Need I say more?

-And the one that I'm especially ashamed of-sometimes I look at the baby and think she is so pretty and perfect that, you guessed it, I might cry.

Now, I know that some women feel these emotions all the time, but they are completely foreign to me, well except for the bitchiness and even that's at a whole new level. I am usually very good at keeping the crying impulse in check. I don't even like to cry. It rarely makes me feel better. Also, I grew up in a house where crying was unacceptable and is probably one of the many reasons I am screwed up and another thing to add to my list of why my parents shouldn't have had kids. But that's a completely new post altogether, though it might be an interesting one. Maybe not.

9 Comments:

  • oh, dear! I just hate hormones. Hang in there, sweeite! You'll get through this.. and then you'll just have to worry about the Teenage years. haha!

    Er.. no wait that's not helpful.

    Um.. hey why don't you get longer off for having a baby? Is that just a Canadian thing maternity leave for a year, legally??

    I am so glad I wasn't sent to daycare from day one. Everyone is in daycare these days. I hope you can find someone to watch little Jillian... how about Chloe? ;)

    By Blogger cat, at 1:10 PM, December 03, 2005  

  • Yes, I believe Canadians get a much longer maternity leave than us. So not fair. We get six weeks, sometimes longer with a doctor approval, but usually six weeks. With my other two I was in school so I had three months or longer to stay home. I have never had to a newborn go to daycare and it's a scary thought to me. I know people put them in daycare all the time, but still.

    Unfortunately, poor little Chloe has to stay home by herself. :)

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 2:45 PM, December 03, 2005  

  • 6 weeks?!?!?!

    That just seems short and wrong and unhealthy and illegal!!

    Sorry about that. :(

    I'm sure it'll work out though!

    By Blogger cat, at 7:42 AM, December 04, 2005  

  • Sweetie, staying at home does that to me on a regular basis.

    By Blogger Queen of Ass, at 11:40 AM, December 05, 2005  

  • Cat, you always make me laugh. It should be illegal!

    Queen, I am so glad I'm not the only one!

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 11:44 AM, December 05, 2005  

  • Awww! Sweetie! {{{{HUGS}}}} for you. Seriously. Make an appointment with your doctor. Talk to him. It's normal to be emotional, but if you feel like it's drastically not you, PLEASE talk to your doctor. You don't have to suffer. Just because you didn't have PPD with your other kids doesn't mean that you aren't developing it/have it this time around. You need to take care of YOU too. We're all here for ya!

    By Blogger InterstellarLass, at 1:28 PM, December 05, 2005  

  • InterstellarLass took the words out of my mouth. I was going to encourage you to talk with your doctor too. Good luck!

    By Anonymous Monique, at 8:37 PM, December 05, 2005  

  • Alright, I didn't mean to scare you guys. This isn't myself and I will tell my doctor I'm not feeling up to my usual pleasant self, but I think this is just a minor case. In fact, I've started doing some excercises and I think it has seriously changed my mood a little bit.

    Plus, I'm always bitchy during PMS and this is what I feel like, very PMSey, the only thing that is really different is the crying. I hate the crying. But I love you guys!! Thanks for being so concerned. I appreciate it and that makes me pretty happy too!

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 7:32 AM, December 06, 2005  

  • Good for you. Exercise does wonders for your mood! :)

    By Blogger InterstellarLass, at 8:01 AM, December 06, 2005  

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