I Don't Give A Damn

I'm a grouchy pants lately. I can't help it. I hate lugging this extra weight around. I want this to be over already. The back fat, flabby arms, and thighs that are beginning to touch are making me very depressed. The only thing I have going for me is I haven't developed the cankle syndrome. You know, when your ankles swell so much they look like your leg goes all the way down to your feet. My hands don't look swollen either. However, the rest of me is pretty bloated. Hmph! Plus, the heartburn is almost unbearable.

I have tried everything to hurry the labor along. I have moved furniture upstairs (with Riley's help of course), I have scrubbed the bathroom floor-on my hands and knees mind you, and I have insisted that Brian and I have sex numerous times a day. However, it's usually once a day and sometimes not at all because he falls asleep at night before I even come to bed. He thinks he's soooo tired. Does he not realize I am trying to have a baby here. My God! And he says that I'm just using him for my own motives and it's not nice. Whatever, I am having a baby. I think I should be allowed to use him for whatever I want. Jeez!!!

I am also having issues with the kids. Issues such as I don't really want to share them anymore. I just want them to stay with me and not go back with their dad's even though I know that isn't necessarily what is best for them. I am just in a selfish place right now and I don't feel I should be sharing them with anyone. Is that so hard to understand? Is it??? It's so stressful.

And another thing, I made my mom cry this weekend. I have never felt so horrible in my whole entire life. Darby called her last Sunday and asked if my mom could have her costume done in time for her costume party, which was a week away. My mom of course said she would. She worked on it all week and was certain she could have it done on Sunday before 1:00. At around 10 am Sunday she called and said she was still wrapping things up, she would have the dress done, but not the hat and she would be another hour. I said that was fine we would be waiting for her. A couple hours had passed and we hadn't heard from her. I didn't call because I didn't want to bug her or seem like I was trying to hurry her. It was fine if we were late. Then I get a phone call at 20 minutes to 1:00 from my mom's house. I answer the phone and my mom is frantic and crying and terribly upset. She was trying so hard to have the costume perfect she sewed the top of the skirt on backwards. She was so upset and I felt so bad for making her rush. There was no possible way she would have it done in time.

I told her not to worry, we shouldn't have rushed her and Darby can wear her fairy princess costume from last year. My mom calmed down and Darby told her it would be okay. We put on her fairy costume, which fit better this year than last, and her jewlery and make up and headed out to the party. Everyone loved her costume and no one even knew she wore the same one last year. She came home and called her grandma and told her what fun she had at her party. My mom said she went shopping and treated herself to lunch and felt much better. I still felt guilty for making her cry.

I have a hard time being nice to my mom. I don't agree with very many of her views and I don't cope too well to they way she lives. But, I need to put those things aside and just be nice to her. She tries so hard to be nice and helpful and she's never mean to anyone. I'm so short with her and I avoid her calls. I need to be a good daughter, like my sister who is always being a little kiss up. Not really, but she seems that way sometimes. Anyway, my goal is to not only be nice to my mom, but involve her more in my life. That will make me feel less guilty. I just need to get started.