Pink Sheets

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Warning: This Is Long And Sappy

I’ve been spending a lot of time blogging. I’m not sure why, but I’ve been pretty obsessed with it. I hit next blog and read for an hour or so. It’s pretty excessive, I just like to. I guess it’s sort of like watching soap operas.

The side bar has the list of blogs I read daily. I love those blogs. I put them there because for some reason, when I hit next blog, the post I read happened to strike a chord. Maybe someone happened to be writing about something I’m familiar with or maybe they made me laugh or intrigued me in some way. It’s so weird to me that I have some sort of connection to these people. Maybe it’s not a very deep connection but I’m actually interacting with some people on a daily basis albeit it’s through comments, which is sometimes one sided, but it’s still as if I know everyone who comes to read my blog.

I find this fascinating. I log onto the computer and I’m wondering what Cat or Lass might be doing today. I wonder what Queen is going to rant about in her usual witty way. I wonder if anyone has left me a comment and I am usually pleasantly surprised someone has. I think it’s almost therapeutic in a way. When I’m having a bad day I check my email and someone has left me a friendly comment whether it’s a paragraph long or two words just to let me know they’ve been there and read what I had to say. Even the most mundane and banal posts get comments.

Of course, I don’t know anyone all that well. I only get tiny little glimpses of your lives in the form of a few written paragraphs, but what I do know I like and admire and most of the time I can relate to you. And I know you all don’t write about everything because even I don’t write about everything. I wish I was more candid, but I’m afraid of rejection, I suppose. I notice that I censor myself a lot more now than I did when I first began this blog. I think I have a fear of offending someone with something and them not coming back to read my stuff. I know, how stupid. But seriously, I almost didn’t post about hating people who drive and talk on their cell phones because most everyone does it. I didn’t want anyone to get mad. I’ll admit I’m a tad insecure.

I also don’t write about my boobs as much anymore. I still want a boob job, but you hotties with large breasts disapprove of this desire. I try not to bore you with my wants because it makes me seem shallow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely shallow. I’ll admit it. I like pretty things. Necklaces from Tiffany’s, a nice set of boobs, clothes that are too expensive for me to buy, a gorgeous boyfriend. I love all of these things.

I don’t write about times when Brian and I aren’t getting along, because I want everyone to believe I live this perfect life. Which I don’t because no one does and I think both Brian and I are high maintenance, which can make life difficult at times, but for some reason we always get through that. I don’t ever want to write something that makes it seem contrary to that. And yet there are times we have been in horrible fights. So horrible that I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to recover. Fights that I wish could be erased from our lives, but they can’t and there’s no way to take things back. And I honestly believe my world would fall apart if we weren’t together. I hate to admit that I need him that much, but I do.

One time I was going to write about that three letter phrase, the scary one that can make people either run for their lives or make them the happiest person in the world. You know what I’m talking about—I love you. These words aren’t said a lot in our house, between the two of us. But, for some reason, with him, I don’t need to hear him say these words to me, because I know he loves me. I feel he loves me. When he does say it, my heart melts and I smile and I know with all my being he means it, because it’s not thrown around ten times a day. It’s not even thrown around ten times a year and this doesn’t upset me. I never think “I wish he would tell me he loves me”. I have been in relationships where I thought I needed the other person to constantly tell me they love me, because it made me feel better. I’ve also been in relationships where if I heard the phrase one more time I might puke. Brian tells me the perfect number of times and it’s always special. I don’t think that I tell him as much as I should; I just assume he feels the same way about it. Maybe I shouldn’t assume that. Maybe he does need to hear it. I do love him more than I have ever loved anyone. In fact, I am madly in love with him. I don’t know that I have ever truly been in love before. I have never looked at someone like I do him. I hardly ever see his flaws I just see his perfections. I don’t even know if that’s healthy.

Alright, this post is so long most of you probably didn’t even finish it. That’s alright; this is my grand finale post. For the year that is. This is as candid as it’s going to get for probably quite awhile. I’m just in that sort of mood. If I don’t get a chance to write much in the next couple of days I hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas.

16 Comments:

  • well I am leaving!(just kidding!) I mean that is why I started reading your blog, your life seemed so much better than mine, it seemed perfect compared to mine. So you mean you ARE human after all? geesh, that spoils it for me :) Just curious, but how is the baby? Her picture is precious.

    By Anonymous kris, at 12:53 PM, December 21, 2005  

  • See I knew this would happen if I was exposed! I'm glad your still going to read my blog.

    The baby is great. She's a sweetheart most of the time! She is so cute. I need new pics because she's already so much bigger than her newborn photos.

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 1:12 PM, December 21, 2005  

  • I know exactly how you feel on so many levels. I've been spending a lot of time blogging and reading blogs too.. it's addicting! Though I'm taking a little break through the rest of the year.

    I didn't know you wanted a boob job. I promise I don't disapprove, but I have to tell you in all seriousess that being, um, well-endowed, is not all it's cracked up to be. I've actually had a reduction. Might blog about it sometime, if I get up the nerve (see, I too don't feel comfortable blogging about just everything).

    By Anonymous Monique, at 1:46 PM, December 21, 2005  

  • I love that you're human. Makes you seem more like someone I can relate to...perfection is hard to live up to, ya know.

    Happy Holidays, Sugar!

    By Blogger Queen of Ass, at 9:20 PM, December 21, 2005  

  • you've said evrything i think but i just don't gt on so much these days
    i miss blogland
    sob
    merry christmas
    x

    By Blogger Lou Lou, at 2:13 AM, December 22, 2005  

  • I love that you're shallow. ha! I have been so SO busy lately and yet you're in the group of blogs that I *do* check every day - just to see what's up! I don't comment as much as I used to do to the stupid business, but I am here.

    You can want bigger boobs all you want.. I'm just saying, don't come crying to me when you get horrendous back pain, yo! (hahah!)

    I have your Christmas card, a little something for the baby and a congrats card all here at home. Sitting right next to me. Great, huh? You'll be getting it all a little late. HA! I suck, sorry :)

    By Blogger cat, at 4:26 AM, December 22, 2005  

  • See!! I love this. All these comments and I'm even having a good morning.

    As for the boobs, I don't want stripper boobs people, just a nice FULL C. That shouldn't be too bad. And who are all you people that you have such volumptous breasts? What happend to me? :)

    Cat, you just crack me up and I don't mind receiving everything late. I will completely forgive you.

    Blogging is so addictive. I think this is why. It's crazy!

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 7:02 AM, December 22, 2005  

  • Blogging seems to be a lot like chatting in a chat room, it is addictive.
    As for the boob thing, I am a D, barely, so I think a full C is just right, but I am not sure I would want to go through surgery to acheive it though!

    By Anonymous kris, at 8:32 AM, December 22, 2005  

  • No one is perfect, nor are their lives. That's what I like about my blog. If things aren't going so well, I feel like I can post it there. I used to be more afraid of posting my fears, and I do mainly try to keep it positive, but it's not always that easy. If you don't like fighting with Brian, maybe you should look for a better way to air your issues. Make them more constructive discussions. Evaluate whether it's an emotional reaction that you can control better. I have the hardest time expressing what's bugging me, so I stuff it down. I'm doing a much better job with Nick, and we hardly yell.

    I can't wait to see new pics of Miss Jillian!

    It's good for you to feel good about yourself. If you want boobs, go for it. I would never disapprove of anyone else's decision. It's your body! Do with it what you will (within reason I mean). But know that I think you are beautiful just the way you are!

    By Blogger InterstellarLass, at 8:46 AM, December 22, 2005  

  • kris, blogging is fun, I have never been in a chatroom. I'm so out of touch with the world sometimes.

    Lass, I'm not so sure why I'm so unwilling to be more open about what I write. Maybe one day I'll just be so comfortable I won't even care what the outcome is.

    As for the fighting, I have a tendency to hold things in until one day I explode. That's probably why Brian and I don't have very many fights. I could probably count on one hand the yelling fights we've had. But, those happen because I freak out one day about some little thing that's happened, but it's really not just that one thing I'm freaking out about it, it's about a year's worth of stuff I never confronted anyone on. I know, I'm crazy.

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 9:19 AM, December 22, 2005  

  • I had an idea the other day when I was looking at your photo album. You do so good at the kids' parties with the decorations and coordinating the themes. I think you could go in to business and do that!

    By Anonymous kris, at 1:35 PM, December 22, 2005  

  • Oh my God, that is so sweet. Thank you!! I love decorating for their parties, I think it is one of the funnest things about having kids is throwing parties. That would be so awesome if I could do that for a living.

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 4:50 PM, December 22, 2005  

  • What an entry! :) You're honest and I'm glad I found your blog!

    Have a merry Christmas and an even merrier new year!

    Nadolig Llawen! ("Happy Christmas!" in Welsh).

    By Anonymous Nikki-ann, at 3:18 PM, December 23, 2005  

  • I'm so happy you found my blog too!! You are one of my favorites to read. I didn't want to post a comment because you were lucky comment 13, but it was too sweet to let slide. Merry Christmas!

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 3:39 PM, December 23, 2005  

  • Hhmm....Boobs...go for it.
    I hate cell phones in driver's ears too! Now if I can just convince you to put away that shopping cart! :p!!!
    I loved this post...because we are all flawed in a great way. It's called "quirks" and what makes us unique. I love you too!

    By Blogger Envoy-ette, at 12:21 PM, December 26, 2005  

  • I'll do my best to put my cart away. Promise!!

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 12:45 PM, December 28, 2005  

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