Basket Case

I wrote this yesterday and I don't feel as stressed today as I did when I was writing but, hey, I have nothing new.

Alright, I’m back and I’m all original today. I had a great weekend. The kids and I cleaned the house, went shopping, and packed up for a night at the cabin, which we went with Brian, but we prepared for our little trip while he was at his class. His last class to be exact. He is now officially done with school. Woo hoo!

I think this is good, but I’m a tad bit stressed lately, which makes me extremely grouchy and on edge and with little patience. Meaning I’m horribly short with the kids. This makes me feel so guilty and so sad that I’m not very pleasant with them. Then they go to their other parents’ houses and I have to feel guilty that the last things I said to them were nagging and mean and I’m a horrible, horrible person. Seriously, it keeps me up at night wondering how I’m going to make it up to them when they return.

Of course, at night I always stress about things that I can’t fix during these hours. I mean, seriously, what am I going to do about anything at 11:00 pm? And yet, there I lay, tossing and turning, thinking and stressing about the following things:

Money: Usually this isn’t my area to stress about, but lately it’s been bugging me. Will Brian find a job? When? What if he doesn’t? Are we going to be poverty stricken?

This is also stressful because I know Brian stresses about it and I feel guilty that he stresses about it and I try not to spend money, but sometimes I do and it makes him mad because he’s stressed about it anyway. It’s this never ending cycle.

The kids: I have so many things I lay at night thinking about in regards to the kids. Are they going to be happy when they come back even though I was cranky last time? Will they forget about my crankiness? How am I not going to be cranky? Brian just convinces himself that it’s no good to be cranky, I can’t do that. When I’m cranky I just am. There is no convincing myself otherwise. I can’t be cranky when they come back. I need to stopped being stressed over things that are beyond my control.

I need to get their school list for their school supplies was my worry a few weeks ago. Now that I have their supply list, which supplies will I buy and which will they’re dad buy? Okay, I can not depend upon him to come through with buying the school supplies, I will just go get them and he can pay me half. I did that last night. Now that I have the supplies did I get the right ones? What if they go to class and I have bought them the completely wrong supplies? Will they be embarrassed and upset. I don’t want to cause them embarrassment. What is a stupid large glue stick? Is it the same thing as the jumbo glue stick or is it just a regular freaking glue stick?

They go to Catholic school, because that’s where they’re father wants them to go. He pays for it because I think public school is perfectly fine and don’t see the point of them going to Catholic school when neither of us are Catholic. Anyway, he usually has their uniforms by now. I buy them shoes and socks and his mom buys their uniforms. Well, he doesn’t have any uniforms yet and everything I have is out grown or so used up they are unacceptable. The school requires they wear white shirts. White!!! Elementary kids can not wear white shirts everyday with out seriously staining them up. So I have shoes and socks (for Riley anyway) but not the uniforms. I’m freaking out. What are they going to wear on their first day. I don’t want them to look like scrounges who had to dig in the trash to get their uniforms while their wealthy classmates look all snazzy and nice. I hate their dad for insisting upon sending them to a school that neither one of us can afford. It’s absolutely ridiculous and they should not be put under that kind of pressure. I should not be put under that kind of pressure. Okay, this start to sound like ex bashing so, I’m going to end this part of my little stress rant.

Other stress I deal with when it comes to the kids are doctor and dental related. This stresses me out because they’re dad tells me, “oh I’ll take them to the dentist, I’ll take them to get their shots. I’ll do this and this and this and this.” Do you think he ever does it? No!!! He doesn’t. Then when I try to get information from him I may as well be talking to a wall. He has them insured, I ask where to take them. He takes them to a doc in the box place. No, sorry they need a regular doctor. Whatever. I’m going to be taking more action from now on. If I have to, I’ll add them to my insurance again and take them wherever I please. Hmph!! Okay, I’m serious, no more ex bashing.

Um, one last thing in regards to their school. They are having a BBQ this Wednesday to meet their teachers and the families whose names end in N need to bring some kind of dessert. That’s another thing I have to worry about. I might freak out at any moment.

Work: I have a few things I’m stressing about, but with everything else going on work is usually not in the forefront of my thoughts. Just thinking about Brian getting a job. And it’s not all money related worry I have about this either. I also worry about him being unhappy and hating his job. I so do not want that.

Chloe: Yes, I even stress a bit about my Chloe baby. She still has that leg issue and I don’t want her to be gimpy forever. When will be able to take her in and get her repaired? What will we do with her after the surgery? Will she be okay? And now Brian thinks it would be a good idea to have her sleep outside. She has only slept outside twice since we’ve had her. Once when Brian was mad at her for waking him in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and once this last weekend when we went to the cabin. We didn’t want to take her for just one night because the car is crowded as it is and she is big and stinky and uncomfortable. It wasn’t worth it to take her. Now he thinks she should just stay outside because, well, she is big and stinky and uncomfortable in our room. She gets hot and tosses and turns in her kennel all night keeping us up. He says that she likes it out there, but I’m not so sure.