Baby Blues

Agh!! I’m having a day today. I’m so grouchy and I have no reason to be. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Stupid pregnancy hormones messing with my system. Plus I have heartburn, plus I’m always hungry. I could scream. I can’t wait until this is over with and I have a baby. Then I’ll just be extremely tired, which is something I can deal with. I think. Maybe not, but being tired has to be better than feeling grouchy.

A couple of weeks I ago I came home from work and Brian told me he had recorded Oprah for me. I thought it was sweet of him, to record it with out my asking him to. Later that night I sat down with him to watch it, a little excited, wondering which Oprah episode was on today. Then it started. Brooke Shields was the guest. Do you know why Brooke Shields was the guest? Because the episode was about post partum depression. I find it a little curious that Brian had recorded an Oprah episode, that I didn’t ask him to record, about post partum depression. Coincidence? I think not. I asked him why he recorded this particular episode and he just shrugged.

What a dork. I don’t know if he’s worried about me getting the symptoms of post partum depression after the baby is born or what, but I have never had that. At least nothing extreme and nothing that didn’t go away. Plus, when both my babies were born I instantly fell in the love with them. I wasn’t confused about being a mom, I didn’t feel weird around them. I just wanted to hold them and love them-all the time.

I love the baby stage. I don’t particularly like waking up every couple of hours, but I love the first year. I love how they need you for everything and how everything is new to them and pretty soon they start discovering things, like their toes and they find these little things fascinating. And they love when you make faces at them and they want you to make the same face over and over and over again. And each time they smile that toothless smile.

I love how chunky they start to get after a couple of months and you have to buy them new outfits constantly. I love dressing them in their new outfits and don’t necessarily hate that you might have to change their clothes two or three times throughout the day. Plus, they have no opinions on how they would like to be dressed, I think they just prefer to be wearing something, anything. You can put a boy in girls’ clothes or vice versa and they wouldn’t complain. Though I would absolutely never do that.

I love almost everything about having a baby. However, after watching that show I am a little worried. They said that you can get this type of depression after any of your babies. I don’t want to. I want to be happy when I have my baby, like I have with the others. I don’t want to fell distant or out of sync with her. I just want to enjoy every second I can with her before I have to go back to work.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know everything isn’t going to be perfect. I’m sure there will be times that I get frustrated and lock myself in the bathroom because I can’t take it anymore. And I know there will be times that she might cry and I won’t know why and won’t be able to soothe or comfort her, but I’m not worried about those times. I guess my point is, I would rather have my erratic mood swings and irrational behavior now as opposed to after I have the baby. I think things will be easier to deal with this way. For everyone.