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Thursday, December 29, 2005

Back to Work I Ago

I'm ready to go back to work, I'm not ready to go back to work. This thought constantly ping pongs back and forth in my mind. Especially now that the inevitable is quickly approaching. Only 5 days left.

I wonder if I'll miss her too much. She's so little and she's just beginning to acknowledge who I am. Soon, she'll be expressing herself in so many new ways besides crying. Am I going to miss all those expressions? Will I miss all of her firsts? I was the one who saw her smile first. Will grandma be the one who sees her roll over first? Or crawl? It seems so unfair.

On the flip side I can't be home any longer. It's taking a major toll on my nerves. I'm beginning to feel like the walls are closing in. I'm developing cabin fever. Especially since the weather is so horrible. I can't even take Jillian on a walk. I can shop, but I think I'll wear out the credit cards if I do that. I want to be able to work out and have lunch with adults.

It's hard to imagine a life away from home and even harder to imagine a life without work. Without adult interaction. Without my sanity. I wish there was a middle ground, but it's either one or the other, and while my job isn't the most satisfying job, it helps me to maintain some kind of a life. I'm so much more organized when I'm working. Staying at home makes me lazy. It's 10:30 and I'm still in my jammies. I haven't even showered or brushed my teeth. I feel gross. There were a million and one things on my list to accomplish in the last six weeks. I don't think I did one of them. When I get back to work, I'll probably get them all done in a week. It's sounds like work is winning over staying home. Still a part time gig would be perfect, but I want my full time pay. It looks like back to work I go. On Tuesday. Did I mention that's only 5 days away. It's freaking soon!


  • I felt the same way when I had my daughter, but I knew for her benefit and mine, that work was best! (that was 12 years ago) As for now, I have been off for 10 days and I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK!!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:41 AM, December 30, 2005  

  • Wow! A 12 year old. My oldest is almost 9 and I still can't imagine him being 12. It's definitely more difficult to leave a baby than the older kids. Dilemmas!

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 8:31 AM, December 30, 2005  

  • Oh boy, I went through the same thing with my kids. I didn't want to leave them, but I needed the adult interaction for my sanity. It's tough either way. I dreaded and looked forward to going back to work, then (with my first) felt guilty for not feeling guiltier about leaving her in daycare. We humans sure do know how to beat ourselves up!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:26 PM, January 01, 2006  

  • I was lucky enough to have my mom to watch her, so I didnt feel as guilty about the daycare dilemhia, she went there at 3 and it was time for her to have that inneraction with other kids. She loved it! I dont have anything but good things to say about my child's experience at daycare. And actually it was when she got older that I wished I could have stayed be the mom that volunteers for everything, to go on all the field trips, to be able to pick her up every afternoon...*sigh*

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:37 AM, January 03, 2006  

  • I know. I am very lucky that Brian's mom is watching Jilly. Otherwise I would probably go crazy with worry.

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 12:14 PM, January 03, 2006  

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