Pink Sheets

Monday, September 20, 2004

I Hate Stories Involving Toilets

Brian told me the most disgusting story this weekend. I’m haunted by the image every time I walk into a bathroom stall.

He was at school last week taking care of business, if you know what I mean. He noticed someone walked past his stall and entered the one next to his. Didn’t think much of it. Then he heard his neighbor unbuckle his belt. Still, not too much thought was put into the activities next door. That’s when, immediately following, he heard a horrible noise. A noise he described as this person’s butt exploding. He thought this was pretty gross, but whatever. A person’s got to do what a person’s got to do.

He then noticed the horrific smell and looked down to see shit splatters around his toilet. Brian’s toilet, not the other guy’s toilet. He was paranoid that some may have splattered on him. How horrible would it be to go into class with someone else’s crap all over you? Even after he sat down in his seat he was not completely confident that none had landed on him. He made it through the class, luckily, without discovering anything that would embarrass him.

After class he went to the bathroom to wash his hands. (Why he went to the same bathroom, I don’t know. I think I personally would have steered clear of that place the rest of the day.) Anyway, he went to wash his hands and said the smell still lingered in the air. He just couldn’t let go of the entire incident and, in fact, was curious as to the damage caused by the explosion. So he walked back to the stall and opened the door. He said he had never seen anything like it before. He didn’t know that could happen. There was shit everywhere. On the wall, the back of the toilet, the floor. Everywhere. The thought makes me want to vomit.

He said eventually the bathroom was cleaned. He knew this because he went back yet again before he left for the day, but he claims to be somewhat scarred by the entire debacle.

I'm sure that he isn't going to like that I've written about this, but I'm somewhat scarred by the details. I was going to write something about the book I'm in the process of reading, but exploding asses seems like a much better topic.


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