Prologue

Okay, it's not a real prologue. Well, sort of I suppose. I guess it won't be if I decide not to publish the post. I'm on the fence about whether I want the public reading it. I'm not sure why I'm self conscious about it. I haven't been too self conscious about anything else I've written. I guess we'll see how I'm feeling later on or tomorrow or the next day, whenever.

I wrote about expectations in relationships. Mine in particular, of course. And what I wrote makes my relationship sound like it has been unpleasant from start to current and that's not accurate. What I wrote is completely true and it was how I felt at certain times, but it was just a small sample of the things that we have been through together.

Also, I wrote about a time when I hurt Brian. Until recently I thought that incident only made him angry. Angry in a possessive way. I thought he was mad because I did something that he didn't say was okay or he didn't allow. And I suppose that maybe I thought these things so that I wouldn't have to feel guilty or apologize for what I did. I thought these things because I was so angry at him for so long, even now. Not now as in this moment, but now as in the present. Sometimes, on my commute to work I would think about things that have happened in the past, things from over a year ago, and it would make my eyes water with tears. Then, I would snap out of it and remind myself that those things don't matter now. They don't pertain to our relationship anymore. I was surprised to hear that he would think of the pain that I had caused him and that what I did actually hurt him. It didn't just make him mad. I had hurt him. I never realized this. I don't know why I thought this. I was so caught up in my hurt and the betrayal I felt that I didn't understand that maybe he felt the same way.


Another thought that comes to mind is the fact that I believed that he had lied to me. I no longer believe that anything he told me was a lie. I see first hand that he loves his son immensely and before I believed that he was using him as an excuse to buy more time with me. I have come to realize that he never uses his child, for anything. What he wants for his son is a happy and healthy life. What he has done in the past, whether he hurt me or not, is to try and provide him this. He thought that certain things were conducive to being happy and healthy, so he did them. And I believe that the times that we were apart, he thought of me and during these times I believe that he wished he was with me. I suppose this isn't a prologue at all, but more of an addition, something to fill in the blanks. But I feel better about it. I suppose I didn’t want Brian to take anything the wrong way. So I hope I have clarified.