Pink Sheets

Friday, September 03, 2004


I was listening to the radio this morning and one of the local shows has people email in their problems or an issue they are having in regards to everyday life. The DJ’s then give advice about the problems in question as well as have people call in to offer opinions. This morning the discussion was about how a woman found other women’s phone numbers on her boyfriend’s phone. She actually called the other women and told them to never contact her boyfriend again. The question she was asking is whether she should come clean to her boyfriend about what she had done. This made me think about mine and Brian’s relationship and jealousy.

Jealousy is a characteristic that I hate to admit that I have, but I have it nonetheless. I would never brag or boast about the fact that I am a jealous person, it’s an ugly word. This word is synonymous with possessive, envious, and suspicious. I don’t want to be associated with these words. Recently I have felt jealous. Particularly when I heard of some girl emailing Brian to “hang out” sometime and telling him that she “really wants to see him”.
Side note: I found out about the email because he told me, not because I was snooping.

Upon first hearing of the email I wasn’t upset at all. He said that a girl in his class whom he had been talking to, emailed him and asked him to go to lunch. He said he didn’t want to upset me so he told me about the email and never responded to her. Okay, that sounds innocent enough. I’m not upset about a harmless email asking Brian to lunch. There isn’t anything wrong with that.

Besides, he didn’t go and he told me about it. There’s nothing to be upset about.
That’s when I started to get curious and I did snoop, a little. I went in his email account and read the email. The wording was not exactly how he portrayed it to be. I was expecting something like, “hey, haven’t seen you in awhile. Just wondering if you want to get a bite to eat sometime.” That would be completely harmless. Of course, that’s not what it said. What it said was something like wanting to see him again soon, and hoping they could hang out sometime. She also apologized for not writing sooner, blah, blah, blah. I was irritated, jealous if you will. Jealous in the possessive sense. Hello!!! Brian is my boyfriend. She supposedly has her own boyfriend. She should “hang out” with him. What the hell?

Of course, I’m completely annoyed by the email and I had to complain to Brian about why I’m upset. The whole incident is ridiculous, I know. I’m bitching about this email he didn’t even respond to. I know how insane it all seems, but I can’t help it.

This has happened before. My getting mad over something that didn’t even happen. Brian’s ex has this insipid blog that I can’t seem to quit reading. Anyway, she once wrote about a time when she called Brian or emailed him (I can’t remember) and asked him to go over to her apartment to “pretend” like everything was okay, like they weren’t broken up. She also wrote that he never actually came over and then some other nonsense about how she was glad he didn’t. *Eyes rolling* I just sat there and thought how stupid and desperate she sounded. And then I was wondering “why didn’t he go over there?” I thought of all of these reasons he wouldn’t have gone, such as her changing her mind and telling him not to and I became enraged. I then demanded that he tell me exactly what happened. Which he did. He explained that he told her that didn’t sound like a good idea to him and that he wouldn’t go over there. He said that he didn’t want anything to mess up what we had. He never told me because nothing came of it, which I understand. For some reason reading about the incident in her blog incensed me.

I’m not sure why I can’t stop these feelings from consuming me. I don’t believe that Brian is cheating on me. That’s not to say that I believe he would never cheat on me. I just am confident he isn’t now. Maybe I get jealous because of the possibility that he might. I know that doesn’t make sense and is probably unhealthy. Brian talks about a trust box. I don’t know what exactly it entails, I would have to have him draw it for me again. Basically, you can trust someone who is trustworthy, not trust someone who is trustworthy, trust someone who is untrustworthy or not trust someone who is untrustworthy. (I think.) So the only good relationship comes from the first option. The other ones are bad.

So am I destroying our relationship by not trusting someone who is trustworthy? I don't believe that's the situation. Brian is trustworthy. I think that my little moments of anger are just that. Little moments. I don't distrust Brian. I have no reason to. I just get angry when a girl takes an exorbitant amount of interest in him. So girls should just learn to lay off. Duh! Anyway, there's my rant on being jealous when it comes to Brian. I'm actually not a possesive person. I just don't like to share.


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